having a headache now
third or fourth day of not running, maybe 
either that or th plane ride back was just too taxing. 

was in bali th past 2 nights
feels strange that everybody loves bali, i really didnt like it 
but there are very little places i genuinely like.

listening t flume now 
my sister says i've been listening to a lot of 'weird music' 
i think it's because th music i have been listening t have lyrics that don't make sense
he said something about synthesizers which i didn't get 

i missed typing on this white space a lot 
mainly because i have been so caught up with/stressing over th smaller screen that i don't have time t sit and just, type
also because i had t work so much when im on chrome that i can't type anything properly, ever. 

was looking at a multi-coloured pill i bought from america last year
it's been exactly 12 months
i was in new york, and so, so happy. 

thinking about being in different countries 
so i was talking about bali 
i feel like, bali is a sad place t be in because there's so much 'ugliness' that has to be/is hidden away so that Bali 'can' be beautiful
i look around and i see so many discrepancies.

discrepancies that my first world body would rather not see nor experience 
seeing and knowing that there's so much discrepancies make it very hard t feel god damn happy about experiences
obviously i do think that these balinese would be happier doing *better* ~first world~ things like, sitting behind at a desk lol 

i was signing up for jet skiing at th beach and my instructor was so, so tanned
his skin was clearly, clearly damaged by all that sun he gets
i was in th car, chauffeured around because it was 'impossible' t walk anywhere
nobody would 'want' you t be walking around alone, either 

felt genuinely bad 

i don't think i enjoyed much of bali because i just couldn't 'get over' it
by it i mean how everyone was at your beck & call, 
by it i mean how everyone was especially nice t you because you could afford th things they sold

it's not pity. 

i know how first world my concerns are, and how entirely lame i sound

i was telling my sister they built an entire driveway before any guests could enter potato head was because they wanted t cover up all th 'ugliness' 
things that they didn't want others t see, 
things that 'should' be hidden from white people/foreigners' sight 
so they will forget about their burden and remember that Bali IS heaven on earth
a part of me wishes, i guess, that i didn't have t see all th discrepancies so i could naively believe that bali was heaven on earth 
you know, so i could instagram photos and feel okay about it

will type something longer when i have th time to! 

right now i have t fix an e-flyer, and panic about saturday. 

it's called the Wind-Tunnel Effect.

not thinking it, not over-analysing it, not going to do anything about it. 
what is it but a fleeting sense of happiness? 

there are so many things im happy about 

it was my second day interning at AWARE
and everybody have been really, really nice so far! 
im an intern at th training arm of AWARE
im helping out with th anti-violence campaign & forum theatre pieces 
also just doing th admin work when it comes t roundtable sessions, workshops 
we're hosting a roundtable session this coming thursday, if you want to drop by you can! 

th main reasons why i picked AWARE
i like what they're doing, advocating 
i can contribute
i refuse t sell out and work for something that i don't care about 
at least not now? not when i still can 'resist' 
i wanted t join AWARE for th longest, longest time and now seems like an appropriate time 
i feel like i 'can' discuss, i 'can' ask better questions 
t's close t where you stay. 

- 

i spent hours laughing with my best friends in th entire world
while nitpicking at korean food because th flavours are so, so strange 
i dislike korean food
but th food didn't seem too bad because i was with my best friends. 
my sister asks 'who is your best friend? you can only have one."
but that's not th truth- i have 5, all of whom i can count on.
not for everything, but for most things. 

yesterday we celebrated th first birthday in our group
and every year i manage t find some reasons why im glad she exists in my life
this year i found another one. 

-

we need t save up t visit north korea
we need t go grocery shopping and whip something up 
we need t cycle at east coast 
we need t eat at dover's hawker centre 
we need t stare at each other until one of us blinks 

there are so many things i am happy about [this] / where [we] are 
and every night i go t bed happy knowing that come tomorrow, you will still be here. 

有就有
没有， 就没有。 

th nicest part today was meeting you 
th second nicest was scaring the shit out of you

what was nice today 

you making the effort t wake me up 
hearing your voice was pleasant. 

walking t th library t pick up a book i hated,
but she liked it so i need t read it 
if only t know more about how you're like

my favourite bus uncle waiting from across th street 
just to make sure i get up on this bus

agreeing that i should take a bus loop 
and then having to get off because it was off service
having to walk back instead

meeting th girls whom i went to usa with th first time around
felt genuinely sad that they were going t leave me alone in school
hh and i never did complete 10 runs together 

standing outside ben's room talking, laughing
like we were still in th same hall 
i remember the first time we spoke was when i was waiting for my laundry
today he was waiting for his t be done 
still remember th first few times we were talking so loudly, th security guard came to get my matriculation card 
and at 8 th next morning i actually got a warning letter 
i miss ben already 

what was not so nice today

stressing over a paper i should have done better
opening th paper and seeing rehashed questions
not knowing what to say when i really didn't want to say anything else 

mingshuan showing me how she has 4 ulcers on her bottom lip
do not ask her for it because she WILL show you it 

listening t girls relate their breakups 
both broke up with their boyfriends because they were religiously incompatible
love is not enough, bitches

im off to sleep, i've been up since forever
you make me so happy 

朝思暮想。
i feel both silly and appreciative of a break at this juncture, it will be good & i shall be selfish. hoping it won't be as hard as it sounds because this was what i've been doing before you stepped in, anyway. repeating 'i can do this' and 'dont pick up my phone'

happy sixth of may

coming back has never felt sweeter.
my room mate really knows me th best, at least when it comes t boys.. haha i love how she mocks my 'girl-ness,' and then giggle all th same. i appreciate th fact that we will / can talk about boys till 4 in th morning till we both fall asleep. i have developed an unhealthy dependency. when this starts and when this ends, i know she will be th first one t hear it all.

dont you think we oughta know by now
dont you think we shoulda learned somehow

and you know that we're doomed